


The Incident™

by The_Nicest_Nonbinary



Category: Six - Marlow/Moss
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, F/F, Fluff and Crack, Hans is a great bro and we love him, anyway i sat down and smacked this out in like an hour, back to the point, it would be pretty great if you did, light nsfw, no actual smut tho dont worry, no beta readers we die like men, this is a fic to accompany a doodle I did on my tumblr so go check that out, well actually im nonbinary so we die like bitches i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:41:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28104894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Nicest_Nonbinary/pseuds/The_Nicest_Nonbinary
Summary: Cathy and Anya get Anya a new couch. Catalina requires the holy water and quite possibly the matches.
Relationships: Catherine Parr/Anne Askew
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	The Incident™

**Author's Note:**

> This is purely a crack fic plain and simple. Deal with my stupidity because i said so  
> i realize i should be working on my other big fic but like...  
> no  
> I'm doing this right now so yall get to deal with it haha
> 
> anyways quick warning for some vaguely nsfw stuff in the beginning and at the very very end, i know its in the tags but i thought i'd say it again here.

Anya let out a small whimper as Cathy pressed her lips against the tender skin of her neck. Cathy smirked and Anya could feel it against the sensitive skin. She moved over slightly, trying not to fall off the edge of the couch in the queen’s living room, allowing Cathy better access to her neck. She shivered as Cathy worried at one spot for a moment, leaving behind a mark before continuing to press open mouthed kisses to the rest of her neck. Leaning her head down, Anya nuzzled at Cathy's soft cheek. "Tease." She whispered under her breath.

Cathy chuckled, whisper light fingers dancing over Anya's collarbone. "Maybe I am a tease, you're not stopping me though."

Anya chuckled. "No, no I'm certainly not." Cathy reached up and wrapped her arms around the back of Anya's shoulders and brought her lips back to her own. Anya easily complied and moaned slightly as Cathy tangled her fingers through her white-blonde locks. Anya’s hand came up to cup at the back of Cathy’s head, her other hand pinning Cathy back against the couch.

Breaking away for air, Cathy tugged at the collar of Anya's shirt. Tracing at one of the partially covered pale vitiligo spots on Anya's chest with an index finger, she murmured, "I wonder how far this goes…" Anya quickly began to strip the flannel from her shoulders, tossing it to one side. Leaning back down to Cathy, Anya carefully tugged off her girlfriend’s dark blue hoodie. Running her fingers down Cathy’s sides, she pressed light kisses to the skin of her soft stomach. Cathy traced patterns over the patches on Anya’s shoulders, running lines between the scattered dots that looked almost like stars.

Anya hooked her fingers into the waistband of Cathy’s shorts, and was about to tug them down when the front door opened. Cathy immediately looked up, as did Anya who was forced to crane her neck awkwardly to see. After a few tense moments, Catalina walked into the living room, muttering something about Anne forgetting her keys. The first queen paused when she spotted the other two, mostly undressed, occupants of the room. The three of them stared at each other, none of them quite sure of what to say. Anya opened her mouth to say something,  _ anything _ , when Catalina beat her to it.

“Catherine Parr. What the hell.”

Cathy tried to stammer out an explanation. “W-we didn’t think you’d be home! You said you were going out with the others to that new cafe!”

Catalina looked almost prepared to murder Anya, who took that as a great time to try and say something herself. “I can leave if you need me to…”

Turning on the pale haired writer, Catalina barked, “First, get off my goddaughter, second, get out.”

“MADRINA!” Cathy shouted. “That’s unfair!” Anya scrambled off of her girlfriend, tugged on her shirt, and made a dash for the door. As she hesitated,she heard Cathy scream, “I’m a grown woman and what's more I’m a half century old, you can’t treat me like I’m 16 with my first girlfriend!”

“That’s not the point Catherine, the point is that you two WERE ABOUT TO FUCK ON THE COUCH. HAVE SOME COMMON DECENCY AND AT LEAST TAKE IT TO THE BEDROOM.”

“Oh.”

Anya slipped out the front door, turned to get back to her car, and found herself staring right at the other four queens. “Ah, hi?”

Anne and Kitty seemed mostly preoccupied with trying to listen in to the argument that was still raging inside the house, while Anna looked vaguely bored and Jane just seemed confused. “Anya do you know what’s going on in there?” Jane asked

Anya suddenly found the ground incredibly interesting. “Well..you see-”

Just then she was interrupted by a shout from inside the house. “YOU’RE GROUNDED!”

“WHAT? YOU CAN’T GROUND ME!” 

“WELL I JUST DID!”

Jane stared for a moment, then hesitantly asked, “Did something happen?”

“AND I’M BURNING THE COUCH TOO!”

“MADRINA!”

Anya took a moment before replying, “Nothing too serious.” Then turned around and walked to her car, got in the driver’s seat, and sped away before Catalina could change her mind and actually kill her. Frankly, Anya had no wish to find out if the reincarnation thing would work a second time. 

After Anya got home to her tiny one bedroom flat, she made her way straight to her bedroom and collapsed face first on the bed. Vaguely, she heard her phone ringing, and she grumbled as she scrabbled around to find it. Without looking at the caller, she pressed the accept call icon and held it up to her ear. “Hello?”

“Hey babe.” She heard Cathy on the other side.

“Cathy!” Anya grinned. “I hope Catalina wasn’t too hard on you…”

Cathy audibly sighed. “No, it wasn’t  _ that _ bad, though um, you're banned from coming back into the house."

Anya blinked. "Ah. Well that seems only a little extreme."

Cathy paused, then cleared her throat. "Also would you happen to be in the market for a new couch?"

"I- uh- huh?" Anya replied intelligently.

Anya could hear her girlfriend audibly sigh. "Lina wasn't kidding about getting rid of the couch. So do you want it?"

At first Anya couldn't tell if Cathy was pulling her leg, but she couldn't detect a trace of sarcasm in the other woman's voice. "Sure I guess, my old one is pretty threadbare anyways." The topic of conversation eventually turned away from now apparently tainted furniture, and instead to other subjects and Anya found herself forgetting about the awkward incident.

Anya was very quickly reminded of the awkward incident a few days later when, during the short down time after their first show while prepping for their second, Catalina pressed a set of car keys into Anya's hands. "Why." Anya asked bluntly.

"The couch is in the van outside, return it back to the house when you've moved the couch into your flat. " Catalina said crisply. "Also." Anya looked up at the first queen apprehensively. "I know you care about my goddaughter a lot, so I'll spare you the whole "hurt her and I kill you speech." Just...treat her right will you?"

Anya smiled. "I will, I promise." She paused, then asked, "Does that mean I'm unbanned from going into the house now?"

Catalina laughed, then cut off abruptly. "No. I still need to burn that image out of my retinas."

"I totally understand, have a great day." Anya backed off while she was still in Catalina's good graces.

During Jane's solo, as Heart of Stone was getting into full swing, Anya found Hans backstage. "Hey, I need a hand with something after the show. Can you help me out?" 

Hans glanced down at her, one eyebrows arched. "That depends. Is this "I forgot my girlfriend's birthday and I need a gift now" problem or a "I murdered someone and their body won't fit into my car" problem?"

"I- what makes you think I killed someone?" Anya gasped in mock offense. 

Rubbing his chin, Hans pretended to think about it, then replied "Obviously someone called you short, they'd be right by the way, and you killed them in revenge. Now their slowly rotting body is stuffed in one of the unused dressing rooms and you have to move it before someone finds it." Anya grumbled that she wasn't that short, Hans was just freakishly tall and shoved him in the shoulder. Hans laughed, taking it in stride. "Really though, what do you need?"

Anya rubbed the back of her neck a little self consciously, then said, “I need a hand with getting a piece of furniture up into my flat.”

“What’s getting replaced?” Hans asked, curious.

“My couch, I got a new one.” Anya replied.

Hans laughed. “Finally, your old one was falling apart. Where’d you get your new one from?”

Anya hesitated. “It's...complicated.”

“Huh.” Hans raised an eyebrow, obviously not impressed with the answer, but not pushing it any further.

After the show finished, Hans agreed to drive the van, claiming he didn’t trust Anya in any car bigger than her tiny Nissan cause she wouldn’t be able to see over the steering wheel. She’d thrown the keys at his chest and flipped him off in mock anger. Now she was humming along to some generic pop song on the radio, Cathy sitting in the passenger seat, having decided to tag along. Cathy had nodded off, half from the exhaustion of a two show day, and half because it was getting late. Luckily, Anya lived pretty close to the theater and it didn’t take long to get there. She drummed her fingers on the steering wheel as she pulled into her parking spot and gently shook Cathy to wake her up. Cathy blinked awake, uncurled, and yawned. Anya chuckled, then got out of the car, shutting the car door with a slam and walking over to the van where Hans was waiting.

With a lot of struggling, a lot more swearing, and one trip to the local Starbucks later, the new couch had its new place of honor in the small flat and the old one was in the back of the van. Hans collapsed down onto the seat cushions, one arm thrown over his eyes, before quipping, “Yknow, this couch looks an awful lot like the one at the queen’s house.” Anya looked anywhere but Hans’ face and Cathy awkwardly scuffed at the carpet. “Is this the queen’s couch?” Hans asked, sitting up. “Anya, did you steal this couch?”

“No! Catalina gave it to me!” Anya tripped over her words trying to justify herself.

Narrowing his eyes, Hans asked, “Why?”

Anya flushed. “Well, uh, we, that is to say, I mean-”

Cathy cut in before Anya could embarrass herself further. “Catalina caught us making out on the couch and it was either Anya take it or she was gonna douse the entire thing in holy water and then burn it.”

“How would she burn it if it was wet I- never mind.” Hans narrowed his eyes at the couple, before asking, “Making out, or something else?” Their guilty silence spoke volumes. “Oh gross you guys!” He jumped off the couch.

“Okay to be fair,” Anya cut in, “we didn’t actually-”

“Nope, I don't wanna know. You guys have fun with the cursed couch, I’m heading home before I have to hear anymore about your sex life.” he picked up the van keys, and right before he ducked out of the door, he called, “Vergessen Sie nicht, Schutz zu verwenden.” and then slammed the door shut.

Cathy looked over at Anya, “Do I want to know what that means?”

Anya shrugged, “I don’t know either, and I don’t wanna know.” silence took over the small flat for a moment, then Anya said, “Yknow, we are actually alone now, we don’t have to deal with anyone barging in again.”

Cathy tapped her chin, then grinned. “That’s true, and I still have yet to map out all the spots on your skin.”

Anya grabbed Cathy’s hand and pulled her in close. “Well we have all night.” she pressed a chaste kiss to Cathy’s cheek. “Just, we’re going to my bedroom. I refuse to have anything to do with that couch.”

Laughing, Cathy let Anya lead her to her bedroom. Sitting back on the bed, she smiled. “This is more comfortable anyway.” As Anya settled down over her, Cathy tugged at the light blue hoodie she wore. “Now, let’s see how far those patches go.”

**Author's Note:**

> if anyone wants to know what Hans said.....
> 
> well theres always google translate :D  
> heres the post the fic is based off of https://thenicestnonbinary.tumblr.com/post/637612220643229696/hans-helping-out-the-lesbians-after-anya-got  
> Hope you enjoyed! Drop a comment or leave a kudos if you liked it!


End file.
